The Preparation.

How do you put 100 days of preparation, 4 days of examination and 3 days of waiting in one blog entry?

You can’t. Haha. So I’m making this a 3 part entry. That very long hiatus from writing and this heart full of emotions had led me craving to write my heart out. So indulge me.

I don’t think I would be able to encapsulate all the emotions in that one of a kind journey which led me to where I am today. But I would still try because having that experience is something that I would love to look back to (definitely not do again) but something that I would like to read about when I feel like strolling down my memory lane.

It started the day after the review center (Topnotch medical board prep) orientation where we were welcomed with a wake-up call, the board examination is about three months away - 106 days to be exact. Will it be enough? Probably. And then came the diagnostic exams where in there was really the doubt of whether it will be enough. Parang hindi. But it was a reminder that we should start focusing our strength to that one ultimate exam. It was a call to burn all the ships and start anew because the journey that we are about to embark on is one that will test our character, our endurance and our faith.

We were still having internship exams at that time, add to that the hassle of packing and unpacking again to go back home, setting up my study place and making sure that I can be productive in it for the next, then already 100 days. And so it began.

It was basically a monotonous boring cycle of sleep – eat – read with probably more sleeping and eating in between than I would have wanted. True enough, you get lost into remembering days not as Monday, Tuesday etc but as Anatomy Day 1, Physio Day 3 etc. One week into that routine at nasusuka na ako, but wait, may 93 days pa. So I decided to have one study out every week with my study buddy which was the fresh air I needed to be able to people watch and gain more weight (thanks to the coffee and pastry calories). Undoubtedly, those once a week escapades helped me through. Having a study buddy with whom I can exchange texts of encouragements and pacing strategies definitely helped. (Thank you Cath!)

And then the mock exams where we were rated according to our performance. Green for upper 40%, Yellow, Orange and Red. And no matter how much Topnotch reminded us that these exam scores and rainbow colors are not reflective of the true outcome of the board exams and having that personal experience of passing the Chemistry licensure exam despite having a RED CARD on our mock boards 6 years ago- the seed of doubt still started to grow. My diagnostic exam and midterm 1 exams were yellow and then midterm 2 examination was orange. Yes, my raw scores were increasing but my percentile was going down, which means that the other students are learning more, probably doing more. And after that seed of doubt, the flood of insecurities rush in. I begin to ask, “Kaya ko ba talaga to? Nag-aaral naman ako. Bakit ganun?”  

At this point we were about a month away from the board exam and you just can’t help but ask where did all that time go? And then you look around and see people believing in you, saying things like, ‘sigurado na yan, ang tanong na lang kung magtatop’. And I was just holding back a smirk or a very insensitive remark like ‘Sige kayo na magexam, sigurado pala kayo e. e di kayo na.’ But since you are trying to earn good karma points, you just try to smile back and politely let out a chuckle.

And then I look back again and I remembered how in every failed exam during medical school, I manage to get up and continue doing my best which eventually got me somewhere. And you remind yourself, Kaya mo yan, Anne. Then there’s that renewed motivation to maximize the schedule with the remaining days. (which eventually earned me the green cards as well. hehe.)

So you see it was not just a sleep – eat – read cycle but also a doubt – belief exchange which is more  challenging than trying to understand the biochemistry pathways. Of course, another challenging part was applying for the board exam at PRC which was plainly physically exhausting.

As the days draw near, the pressure increases. The restlessness and the palpitations, the panic attacks, they come without a warning. And there were times when I just stare blankly, thinking of what ifs. It was like having dementors around sucking all the happiness in you that you need to have that powerful thought to be able to snap out of the darkness and finally see the light. As for me, aside from the people who supported me through all those months, it was my faith in Him and in His plans.

Sabi nga nila, we need all the divine intervention that we can get - prayer warriors, attending masses, visiting churches for prayer intentions. And the nearer the exam day, the more time I spent reflecting and praying for His will. And it is in these moments that I realize how much that exam really means (because you can really forget it with all the things you have to remember). Passing the board exams is not just passing any exam. It’s getting the license and becoming my childhood dream. It’s the fulfillment of a promise I made five years ago of wanting to help people who are sick. It’s being able to do a job that I’ve found purpose in. It’s the continuity of a life full of learning that I have devoted myself into when I decided I’d pursue medicine. It’s that and much more.

So on the morning of the first day of the exam until that 1200^th question. This is what kept me through. Kaya ko to. Kakayanin. Para sa pamilya. Para sa mga kaibigang naniniwala. Para sa mga pasyenteng naghihintay. Para sa probinsya. Para sa bayan. Para sa Kanya.