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i'll definitely miss her :(


di ko talaga alam kung paano ko sisimulan tong entry ko na to.. ang alam ko lang.. nalulungkot ako.. ng sobra.. simula pagkagising ko kanina..

i've prepared myself for this.. di ko lang inexpect na ngaung araw na to.. akala ko na-accept ko na.. akala ko di na ako ganun malulungkot kapag kinuha na siya ni lord.. actually, dapat at peace na ako, kasi at least, alam ko na ndi na nahihirapan si lola.. she  wassuffering from cancer for almost a year.. and with her old age, nakaka-amaze na nakayanan pa niya ang napakadaming chemotheraphy.. sila ni mama, at tita ang reasons why i consider being an oncologist in the future, or much better, discover a cure for cancer.. kaso di na niya nahintay.. =(

at kahit na anong isip ko na ok na siya, at masaya na siya dun sa taas, di ko pa rin mapigilang malungkot.. =( mamimiss ko kasi siya e.. ng sobra..

i'll miss her welcoming smile whenever i go to their place, lalo na kapag bagong uwi ako galing manila..
i'll miss her texts (oo, lola ko, nagtetext pa siya nun)..
i'll miss hugging her.. kissing her.. i'll miss making lambing to her.. (kahit pa di ako ung pinakamalambing na apo, i have my ways to make lambing)..
i'll miss talking to her..
i'll miss buying her french fries (pareho kasi naming favorite to)..
i'll miss accompanying her when she goes shopping (ang tanging kaligayahan ni lola).. nakakalungkot.. di na ata siya nakapasyal sa moa.. matutuwa siya dun..
i'll miss watching telenovelas of john lloyd and bea with her (pareho din kaming fans nila).. sayang, di na rin siya mashdong nakapanood ng maging sino ka man, di sana mag-aagree siya, na may KPR si john lloyd.. :P
i'll miss watching pinoy movies with her.. tapos ngingiti siya, tatawa, kahit hindi niya naiintindhan ung palabas dahil hindi na niya naririnig..
mamimiss ko ung paghawak niya sa kamay ko.. ung mga pagpapatawa niya..
ung pag-aaway nila ni lolo.. ung pagsusumbong niya sa min kapag nag-aaway sila ni lolo..
ung mga advice niya sa ming magkapatid.. sa ming magpipinsan..
syempre, ung pagbigay niya sa min lagi ng pera kapag aalis kami papuntang manila.. kapag pasko.. kapag birthday.. lalo na nung elementary.. sila nagbibigay ng baon sa ming magkapatid ni lolo e..
i'll miss her encouraging words.. oo, isa siya sa mga inspirations ko, lalo na nung high school, kasi sa bawat contest na sinasalihan ko, pinagdadasal niya ako.. tapos isa siya sa sobrang natutuwa kapag nanalo ako.. magtetext siya na "anne, lola is so proud of you.."

nakakamiss..

tapos ung sobrang di ko malilimutan sa kanya.. recently lang nung minsan na umiyak ako kasi inaaway ako ni papa, ni lolo at ng kapatid ko, inaasar nila na may boyfriend ako. e wala naman talaga.. umiyak ako.. tapos pinaupo ako ni lola sa lap niya.. tapos niyakap niya ako at pinatahan..  

nakakalungkot isipin na ngaun.. hindi ko na magagawa ung mga bagay na un.. kasi.. umalis na si lola..

sabi nila.. masama daw ung sobra mong iniiyakan ung taong namatay.. kasi.. mahihirapan daw ung kaluluwa nila na umakyat sa heaven.. lola, sorry a.. di ko mapigilan e.. mamimiss kasi tlaga kita e.. ang sakit isipin that i won;t be able to see you alive pagbalik ko sa mindoro..

though wala akong nireregret.. nagkaroon ako ng chance na alagaan siyang mabuti.. parang nung inaalagaan niya ako nung bata ako..

2 lola ko ung kinuha ngaung taon na to.. anlungkot..

and what hurts me more.. pag-uwi ko.. makikita kong umiiyak sila mama.. sila papa.. at ung mga tito at tita ko.. lalo na si lolo.. ayaw ko pa naman sila nakikitang nalulungkot o nasasaktan.. pero di ko naman pedeng pigilan un e.. kung ako nga na apo, ganito na.. pano pa sila dba, mas matagal na nilang nakasama si lola.. si lolo lalo.. kung alam niyo lang ung love story nila.. nakakatuwa.. andami na nilang napagdaanan.. dapat nga 50th wedding anniv na nila sa 19 e. kaso.. libing na un ni lola.. =(

alam niyo ba.. kasama pa sa wishes niya na ako magbabasa ng autobiography niya.. iiyakan ko lang un e.. hay. . .
napaka-strong na tao ng lola ko.. and i admire her for that.. the best mom.. the best grandmom.. the best mentor.. andami na niyang napagdaanan sa buhay niya.. and she remained strong.. kahit nung nagkacancer siya.. di siya nagpapakita ng kahinaan sa min.. kaya nga naging strong din kami e..

ang hirap kapag may cancer patient sa pamilya.. kasi kahit mahirap kelangan kang maging strong.. at kadalasan nagagawa mo lang un kapag ung mismong pasyente strong.. kasi kapag nagbreak down ung pasyente.. pati ikaw na dapat maging strong para sa kanla, di mo magawa.. hay..
anlungkot ko talaga.. 

buhay nga naman.. ang weird.. ang weird ko na nga, buhay ko pa weird din.. ano ba naman yan..

hay..

kaya minsan, i can't blame people who have a hard time moving on.. katulad ko.. kasi when the time comes that they start to realize that they should start living for the present.. something happens that would make them say that, "yeah.. life's much better before..."...

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