routine much?

i suddenly had one of the worst crying times that i ever had in my entire twenty one years of existence. i cried for like fifteen minutes without stopping. yes i have cried longer. but what made my most recent crying situation the worst is because i barely know the reason why i was crying which makes me cry even more. 

i know for a fact that it was not because i am still heartbroken. i think so. well at least i was not thinking of him when i was crying. and now i do hope that it is because of him. even though, i'd rather not go back to the pathetic state that i was in when i spent endless nights and days crying about him, at least, if i cry because i miss him, i want to be with him or because i love him so much and assuming that he does not care anymore, i would have a solid reason why i need and want to cry, 

but that was not the case some minutes ago. i think i cried because i was so bored. is that even a logical explanation for crying?

i feel so bored and sad with my life that i decided (no, not to die, not yet anyway) to cry and let it all out. this proves more that i am such a crybaby. but atleast, i felt better afterwards. 

my life has been like this for quite a time now. it has always been such a routine since i decided to resign from work. Apart from the occasional, i-should-go-out-to-arrange-some-stuff-for-medschool, i dont really go out anymore. i have a part time writing job, which do not really give me everything i need, but at least gives me the feeling that i am quite stable since i earn some extra money for myself. and because i can earn from home, i dont actually need to go out anymore. 

everytime that my parents are here in manila, we go out and i thought that was already enough. almost all my friends are quite busy already and i was too lazy to organize any "lakad". i would wake up, eat three times a day, sleep, write, read, watch series. and basically that was how i spent the past few days until today that i realize that i should stop doing those things for they make me lifeless and really sad. the routine makes me think as if i have nothing to look forward to everyday, anymore. 

i can say that the most recent crying time was one of the saddest moments in my life. i just felt so alone, friendless and tired. 

anyway, i feel better now. even though i can't quite pinpoint the main reason why i felt so sad and cried like that. 

maybe it's paulo coehlo's novel veronika decides to die, since i feel for veronika so much. though i'm not yet finish with the story and i think i should finish it soon. 

or maybe it's just really pms. which proves even more that something is wrong with me, cause i never experience pms like this. ever. 

or maybe i only really need some fresh air.