fear

it's been quite a while since i wrote (typed) something here in my multiply site (which will probably also be posted on fb). 

i've been wanting to blog since holy week but i never had the time to write freely. writing jobs and daughter mode are always on the way of allowing me to express my sentiments. 

tonight is actually not different. i have two sets of articles due soon. i need to finish requirements for med school enrollment and i have to be on family mode most of the time. but i guess, today has been so full of emotions -badtrip-happy-really happy-sad-really sad- that nothing can actually stop me from writing. 

oOo

im scared about a lot of things. im scared of everything about the future. i know im not the only person feeling this now. but the thought that almost everyone is afraid of what the future may bring doesn't really help ease whatever this feeling is. 

funny thing is.. im not talking about the end of the world, death or of med school. i dont quite believe that it is the end of the world soon. im not afraid to die too. im definitely scared of losing the people i love through death but that's not it either. and yes, im scared of med school but this one thing i fear is far greater than the anxiety i am feeling about entering med school. 

it's the kind of fear that i can't even think about. that i dont want to talk about. that i wake up everyday pretending that everything will be alright. that maybe, not acknowledging it will make it disappear. will make things change. 

i try to believe that everything will be fine, but simply thinking about the word 'fine' makes me sad cause i  get the feeling that i wont be. i keep trying to prepare myself, but i know i will never be ready.  

i can wish for as long as i like that things were different. but doing that will not really change anything. 

oOo

i remember a common question years back about death - about which kind of death one prefers. the quick kind of death such as a gunshot of some sort or the slow one like some ideal disease which will not make you weak and not make your love ones suffer, simply giving you an idea of until when you can live. i've usually picked the gunshot death before but now that i am in an almost similar situation (without the concept of death because this blog is not in any way about dying) i find it funny how im choosing the 'ideal disease'. having an idea of until when and simply enjoying every moment that i can. even though, im really counting the remaining days.  maybe hoping for a miracle. but just more of being happy now. 

oOo

chii. the vagueness. haha. though i feel quite better. i think. 

usually, after writing, i always come up with a resolution of some sort. to make me feel really better. but right now, i find the situation too complex, too pre-determined, too set. i guess all that's left to do is comfort myself, have faith and hope. comfort myself that one day, i'll be reading about this blog entry once again and laugh at how emo i can get when i was younger. have faith that everything will be for the better and hope that if ever the day i fear most comes, i wont be afraid anymore.