Daydreaming.

It's probably the daydreaming caused by adulting kicking in, but there are moments when I get life realizations by asking myself a question. This particular daydreaming started with me asking why -- why do people do what they do and ultimately followed by what drives people to do the things they do?

Everyone have their own sets of values and qualities that make up their personality. Each personality is also affected by their environment - how one was raised by one's parents or by his experiences growing up. Some may say that genetics has a role, while others use their faith and beliefs in making decisions about doing something or not. On the other end of the spectrum, there are also those who decide and who do things based on fear.

Fear. 

I am afraid of a lot of creepy things - creepy crawling or flying insects, I easily get startled with movement on the shadows even if it was my own, horror movies make my heart skip a beat.  These fears are superficial and I think that's okay (I was probably just too sheltered). But you see, there are those fears which are more than skin deep which are definitely scarier.

Fear of being irrelevant. 

I had that aha! moment during this specific daydreaming episode. I think I suddenly understood why someone very special to me is doing something I was opposed to, why he was never in content of a quiet, simple and boring life. It got me really thinking and I realized that it was probably because he was scared that someday he would be irrelevant - that someday he would not be known by anyone. The boyfriend says it is a common fear by some people. He's probably right, and this is probably a common fear by the politicians or those who strive for power. Because aside from the power comes the fame and well the good or bad that they do with this power. It's also probably a driving factor by those who run for office again and again.

And I was grateful, because I don't have such fear. I realized that I dont care if people know me or not. I honestly don't like the attention (hello, short aisle bride!) I am more than happy to have my own quiet corner in the world to do good, no need for recognition.

Fear of death

Being a doctor, I've seen dying and death, and most of the time you get a gauge whether a patient is ready for such possibility in their future. Most of the chronic patients have made peace with what's left of their life and are ready when death comes knocking. But there are those unexpected ones, when you can no longer do anything but to pray that the family left behind is able to cope and that the patient be welcomed in His kingdom. But death, no matter how many times I see it in the hospital, will never be an easy acquaintance. 

I don't think I am afraid of death itself, my belief tells me that this life that we have now is temporary and the time that we have is just borrowed that sooner or later we will return to His side. If I am scared of anything connected to death and dying, it's the process, the pain that one may feel or the grief that comes with saying goodbye. I believe that it's something one can never be ready for, that no one can ever be prepared for. 

Fear of the unknown. 

The past few days I've had that frequent feeling of going down an endless downward spiral, there is that nagging sense of impending doom. I know it could be because of something personal or the start of fellowship looming in. I know this new chapter to be started is a part of His plans for me, and I am excited. But I still cant shake off that scary feeling, you see the future which is unknown is really a scary thing. I've prayed about this and more often than not I get the peace that my prayers bring. It helps that I have faith that everything happening is according to One big masterplan and that really there is nothing to be worried about because everything will be alright.

P.S. It's not always that I get to have these overflowing thoughts that I can translate into words and it actually feels good to have the time (for now) to write them down.