Denial
After entering the room, you get that fleeting sense of impending doom (well not really) but the feeling that something is wrong. And then you start to realize that your Ipad and laptop are not in the place where you left them a day ago. And your heart starts to race (and you are actually still palpitating trying to recall what happened). You try to keep calm and you try to remember and picture the scene before leaving the day before. And you are quite sure, remembering what you said to yourself, "Malayo byahe ko, sige iiwan ko na lang yung ipad ko. Ay ang dumi na niya, lilinisin ko muna". But you are in denial. so you looked inside the cabinet, the drawers, under the bed, heck even inside the CR. that maybe, just maybe, you were too preoccupied to remember that you left them anywhere but on the tables. But then it is slowly sinking in, they're gone.
Anger
Heat starts to build up and you start to sweat. How is that possible? You asked around and you start to piece in the story. Somebody broke in your dorm. Somebody pretending to be someone's father who has a daughter who will rent the other vacant rooms. Somebody who was seen by your neighbors leaving in such a rush and riding a taxi after exiting the gates. That somebody, who have such ugly guts to do something so evil (there are no reasons to justify his actions). That somebody has your Ipad, your laptop and years and years of memories you tried to preserve.
You're mad. at the caretakers for being so careless and for being so trusting. And for actually caring less with what you lost. You're mad. At yourself for not taking your Ipad with you that night, for being so trusting and leaving your things on the tables (where you have left them for two years). You're mad at that ugly person, you hope he dies and burns in hell. You're so mad just for the sake of being mad because if you are not mad, you start to realize that you feel scared - really scared.
Bargaining
At least you're alive, you're safe. At least no one got hurt. At least nobody else lost anything. Sabi nga ng kapatid ko, 'Isipin mo na lang kung andyan ka sa dorm, tapos pumasok yun, baka nasaksak ka.' And you start to think that maybe he's right. At least.
At least that somebody was stupid enough to leave the Ipad charger and the laptop charger despite their close proximity to the said gadgets.
You start to rationalize, that they are just gadgets. and that someday you'll be able to replace them. that you should not be such a brat because you have actually lived a life without those gadgets and you were absolutely fine. Maybe it's a way to tell you to start reading your books again and not be distracted by your Ipad games and the 300+ fiction books you have yet to read.
You tell yourself that He has better things in store for you, that He always has a reason and that He always always provides. And really, what is most important is that you are safe.
Depression
You go home after duty and you lie on your bed. and you just feel empty. Because a typical activity during post duty time, is getting your ipad, browsing stuff, reading and listening to music to make you feel good after such tiring day. but now, you can't. You remembered that you told a friend you'll email to her things she need, but then you realized, you no longer have the files. And you're just sad. And you realize how harsh the world is. how evil people can become. how much it really is so hard to trust these days. and you become well, sadder.
(Acceptance)
The final stage is acceptance. and I cannot write something about it yet. I am trying, but I guess two days is still quite short a time to actually start writing about accepting everything, bitterness aside.
I can write about trying to see the goodness in people, or hoping that he puts into good use the money he will be able to get from my stuff, or if he won't sell it, he or his daughter or whoever he intends to give it to take care of it like I did. But I won't mean any of it. because while writing down those sentences, what I was really thinking were, (1) it's so hard to try to always see the good in people when everyday is a struggle because a lot always choose to be bad (2) I hope bad karma comes to him, fast, really fast and (3) sana masira na lang yung gamit ko bago pa nila magamit. Meh.
It's so easy to tell these to people who have lost something. I've said it a lot of times to friends who got robbed. And now I would like to apologize, because apparently, they are such poor choices in trying to console someone (since I've been trying it to myself, to no avail.)
---
I remembered how during our latest lecture about these stages that it was emphasized how you don't actually go through the stages in a sequence, rather you shift from one phase to another. and well, I am in the anger-bargaining-depression phase. The boyfriend told me to start focusing on moving on. and I agree with him. that i believe writing about this for the first and last time would eventually help me. And no, this is not just about me ranting about the stolen items because they can easily be replaced. This is more about helping myself get through (because it was really such an emotional trauma).
As always, catharsis makes me think clearly and generally makes me feel good :) So thank you for reading and for the concern (if you ever are concerned). I am okay. Let us just all continue to be safe. :)
After entering the room, you get that fleeting sense of impending doom (well not really) but the feeling that something is wrong. And then you start to realize that your Ipad and laptop are not in the place where you left them a day ago. And your heart starts to race (and you are actually still palpitating trying to recall what happened). You try to keep calm and you try to remember and picture the scene before leaving the day before. And you are quite sure, remembering what you said to yourself, "Malayo byahe ko, sige iiwan ko na lang yung ipad ko. Ay ang dumi na niya, lilinisin ko muna". But you are in denial. so you looked inside the cabinet, the drawers, under the bed, heck even inside the CR. that maybe, just maybe, you were too preoccupied to remember that you left them anywhere but on the tables. But then it is slowly sinking in, they're gone.
Anger
Heat starts to build up and you start to sweat. How is that possible? You asked around and you start to piece in the story. Somebody broke in your dorm. Somebody pretending to be someone's father who has a daughter who will rent the other vacant rooms. Somebody who was seen by your neighbors leaving in such a rush and riding a taxi after exiting the gates. That somebody, who have such ugly guts to do something so evil (there are no reasons to justify his actions). That somebody has your Ipad, your laptop and years and years of memories you tried to preserve.
You're mad. at the caretakers for being so careless and for being so trusting. And for actually caring less with what you lost. You're mad. At yourself for not taking your Ipad with you that night, for being so trusting and leaving your things on the tables (where you have left them for two years). You're mad at that ugly person, you hope he dies and burns in hell. You're so mad just for the sake of being mad because if you are not mad, you start to realize that you feel scared - really scared.
Bargaining
At least you're alive, you're safe. At least no one got hurt. At least nobody else lost anything. Sabi nga ng kapatid ko, 'Isipin mo na lang kung andyan ka sa dorm, tapos pumasok yun, baka nasaksak ka.' And you start to think that maybe he's right. At least.
At least that somebody was stupid enough to leave the Ipad charger and the laptop charger despite their close proximity to the said gadgets.
You start to rationalize, that they are just gadgets. and that someday you'll be able to replace them. that you should not be such a brat because you have actually lived a life without those gadgets and you were absolutely fine. Maybe it's a way to tell you to start reading your books again and not be distracted by your Ipad games and the 300+ fiction books you have yet to read.
You tell yourself that He has better things in store for you, that He always has a reason and that He always always provides. And really, what is most important is that you are safe.
Depression
You go home after duty and you lie on your bed. and you just feel empty. Because a typical activity during post duty time, is getting your ipad, browsing stuff, reading and listening to music to make you feel good after such tiring day. but now, you can't. You remembered that you told a friend you'll email to her things she need, but then you realized, you no longer have the files. And you're just sad. And you realize how harsh the world is. how evil people can become. how much it really is so hard to trust these days. and you become well, sadder.
(Acceptance)
The final stage is acceptance. and I cannot write something about it yet. I am trying, but I guess two days is still quite short a time to actually start writing about accepting everything, bitterness aside.
I can write about trying to see the goodness in people, or hoping that he puts into good use the money he will be able to get from my stuff, or if he won't sell it, he or his daughter or whoever he intends to give it to take care of it like I did. But I won't mean any of it. because while writing down those sentences, what I was really thinking were, (1) it's so hard to try to always see the good in people when everyday is a struggle because a lot always choose to be bad (2) I hope bad karma comes to him, fast, really fast and (3) sana masira na lang yung gamit ko bago pa nila magamit. Meh.
It's so easy to tell these to people who have lost something. I've said it a lot of times to friends who got robbed. And now I would like to apologize, because apparently, they are such poor choices in trying to console someone (since I've been trying it to myself, to no avail.)
---
I remembered how during our latest lecture about these stages that it was emphasized how you don't actually go through the stages in a sequence, rather you shift from one phase to another. and well, I am in the anger-bargaining-depression phase. The boyfriend told me to start focusing on moving on. and I agree with him. that i believe writing about this for the first and last time would eventually help me. And no, this is not just about me ranting about the stolen items because they can easily be replaced. This is more about helping myself get through (because it was really such an emotional trauma).
As always, catharsis makes me think clearly and generally makes me feel good :) So thank you for reading and for the concern (if you ever are concerned). I am okay. Let us just all continue to be safe. :)
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