One day I found myself crying at work. Again. For the past 7 months, I've been such a crybaby - some even call it a weakness for which I dont really care, since I never thought about having excessively sensitive lacrimal ducts as a weakness.
But sometimes, one has time to think and reflect and as for me write my thoughts. That I was able to ask myself - why the tears?
Was I sad? not really. Most of the time I like what I do - being a doctor has always been my choice and now that I am here, I don't think it's sadness.
Was I tired? probably. And who wouldnt be? After more than 24 hours of work with very minimal sleep (if we are lucky) and the countless and never ending concerns that we need to attend to. Yes I was probably tired. But somewhere in that 6 months of letting my tear glands do an amazing job, I realized that crying when tired wont actually do me any good - it actually delays me from finishing and doing my job that I really try my best not to cry when I'm just tired.
Was I home sick? well yes. But i have been home sick since I was first year high school, that I dont think it's the issue.
Was I hormonal? Oh i'm always hormonal. :p
Kidding aside, as I recall most of the instances when I found myself crying in any quiet corner, i realize that it's not just fatigue, not just sadness or missing home or my hormones (go ahead, blame the hormones). Most of the time it's frustration.
True, sometimes I get frustrated with petty things which is probably when my OCD traits are hyped - something I usually can control. But on the other end of the spectrum are frustrations that I can't do anything about, yet.
Let me share my most recent incident of "frustration i cant really do anything about yet".
It involved me facilitating a transfer from a private institution to a government hospital.
It was a sad scenario. Appraising the family of what needs to be done, them deciding that they can no longer afford the continuation of healthcare in the private setting and eventually deciding to transfer to a government facility because of the financial constraints. Me endorsing the patient to the government hospital (which is entirely a different frustrating story). Hearing the receiving physicians' response from the government hospital of how there are no beds available at their wards, much less the ICU; how much their ER is congested - for which I can totally relate and understand as I have seen and worked at a government institution as well. Relaying this heavy news to the family and again appraising them of what to expect when they get transferred. And eventually the family still deciding to go because they dont really have a choice.
*deep sigh and silence*
Frustrating right?
But let's not end on a sad note. As frustrating as it may seem, I was glad. For in that experience I am reminded of my dreams for service and of what I was taught in medschool. Health is a right. It is not something to be given to those who can only afford it (which unfortunately has always been the reality I knew way before I started medical school. And sadly actually one of the reasons why I am training in a private institution - to get to learn how to manage patients by the book - because they can afford.)
That instance has reminded me of what is waiting for me outside the airconditioned halls. It has always been my fear that once I go private I would forget everything I learned for service. But that one instance has reminded me a lot of what I learned in PGH. And I am glad that my heart for service is still in here, and that my dreams for change are very much alive. And that yes I am still the doctor I hoped to be.
And that someday, when I am done learning as much as I can. I will have this to remind me of the kind of physician, the kind of person I aspire to be. To remind me of my frustrations on our challenging healthcare system and hopefully give my future self a nudge to actually do something about it.
But sometimes, one has time to think and reflect and as for me write my thoughts. That I was able to ask myself - why the tears?
Was I sad? not really. Most of the time I like what I do - being a doctor has always been my choice and now that I am here, I don't think it's sadness.
Was I tired? probably. And who wouldnt be? After more than 24 hours of work with very minimal sleep (if we are lucky) and the countless and never ending concerns that we need to attend to. Yes I was probably tired. But somewhere in that 6 months of letting my tear glands do an amazing job, I realized that crying when tired wont actually do me any good - it actually delays me from finishing and doing my job that I really try my best not to cry when I'm just tired.
Was I home sick? well yes. But i have been home sick since I was first year high school, that I dont think it's the issue.
Was I hormonal? Oh i'm always hormonal. :p
Kidding aside, as I recall most of the instances when I found myself crying in any quiet corner, i realize that it's not just fatigue, not just sadness or missing home or my hormones (go ahead, blame the hormones). Most of the time it's frustration.
True, sometimes I get frustrated with petty things which is probably when my OCD traits are hyped - something I usually can control. But on the other end of the spectrum are frustrations that I can't do anything about, yet.
Let me share my most recent incident of "frustration i cant really do anything about yet".
It involved me facilitating a transfer from a private institution to a government hospital.
It was a sad scenario. Appraising the family of what needs to be done, them deciding that they can no longer afford the continuation of healthcare in the private setting and eventually deciding to transfer to a government facility because of the financial constraints. Me endorsing the patient to the government hospital (which is entirely a different frustrating story). Hearing the receiving physicians' response from the government hospital of how there are no beds available at their wards, much less the ICU; how much their ER is congested - for which I can totally relate and understand as I have seen and worked at a government institution as well. Relaying this heavy news to the family and again appraising them of what to expect when they get transferred. And eventually the family still deciding to go because they dont really have a choice.
*deep sigh and silence*
Frustrating right?
But let's not end on a sad note. As frustrating as it may seem, I was glad. For in that experience I am reminded of my dreams for service and of what I was taught in medschool. Health is a right. It is not something to be given to those who can only afford it (which unfortunately has always been the reality I knew way before I started medical school. And sadly actually one of the reasons why I am training in a private institution - to get to learn how to manage patients by the book - because they can afford.)
That instance has reminded me of what is waiting for me outside the airconditioned halls. It has always been my fear that once I go private I would forget everything I learned for service. But that one instance has reminded me a lot of what I learned in PGH. And I am glad that my heart for service is still in here, and that my dreams for change are very much alive. And that yes I am still the doctor I hoped to be.
And that someday, when I am done learning as much as I can. I will have this to remind me of the kind of physician, the kind of person I aspire to be. To remind me of my frustrations on our challenging healthcare system and hopefully give my future self a nudge to actually do something about it.
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