It has been a while.
And since I am procrastinating for the upcoming exam and I have relatively some time to do so, and I just feel like writing again, here goes whatever is crossing my mind.
A year ago around this time, I wrote a blog entry for my 3rd month of 1st year MROD-ship: (see: Putting things in perspective) A few days after writing that blog entry, I went into what I can say was the lowest point in my first year residency - it was April 2, 2016, when I decided to suddenly stop answering calls, hid myself on a stairwell and cried my eyes out. That time when I called my parents, my boyfriend and a dear friend telling them over and over that I wanted to quit and that I was ready to quit. That was the day all the duty seniors tried to do an intervention and although I know that they mean everything good, I cannot afford to listen. I was hearing all their words of encouragement but the overwhelming fatigue and frustration on the system that was just too much that I just really want to stop. But of course, after crying my heart out everything made sense again and here I am on my second year of residency for internal medicine in the same institution.
My batchmates know that I am such a cry baby, my seniors then even mentioned my crying sprees as my only weakness as a first year resident. I've had my few share of tears to get to where I am now and as always my stand on tears is that it is never a sign of weakness.
A few days ago, I had another chance of using my ever reliable face mask trick to hide that post-crying face. And this time it was not about fatigue, it was just about frustration in something wrong with a system where probably most of those who came way way before us is failing to recognize. And in this system, we try to become the better person. We try to understand and in the end make sure that patient care is not compromised.
***
Today I had another realization, it's how much it sucks to be a 28 year old resident physician with a training allowance that barely gets me through the month and with almost nonexistent savings. Most of my batchmates still get allowance from their parents, I dont. And when you do realize that you are way behind most of those in your age group, not even the thought of 'hey you're a doctor,' makes it seem okay.
It's funny how anything wrong with the system uses the excuse of us being under training. You actually see a lot of articles about how much the culture of 'Ganyan kami dati, dapat kayo rin' should be stopped, how much private resident physicians are underpaid; how frustrating it is that everything that can go wrong is the resident's fault just so they can blame someone, how many doctors are being doctor-shamed in social media just because a relative did not fully understand what was happening (which would again be the fault of the physician). But they are just articles, stating facts, stating how things should be, at least for now.
It's just too much feeling, that right now are merely feelings because I am not really sure how to act on them. That at the end of the day, i just get to shove it aside after a tub of popcorn, some carbonated drink, a scoop of ice cream and the ever happy chocolate bar. Until the next ticking moment where I get to feel everything again. They say I should choose my battles wisely, maybe they are right, but where's the fun in that when I won't be able to have the chance to eat all the happy food in the world to make it go away? I kid. I kid. :p
***
So there. Right now I am halfway through my fourth month of my second year residency, still on the journey to become that internist; still with the dream of being able to help a lot more patients. Almost through with my second rotation for this year and I still have a loooong way to go. I'm glad that I did not quit last year. True, it gets easy in some way but also difficult in the other aspects. Again, nothing writing about it can't make me feel good for the moment. :)
And since I am procrastinating for the upcoming exam and I have relatively some time to do so, and I just feel like writing again, here goes whatever is crossing my mind.
A year ago around this time, I wrote a blog entry for my 3rd month of 1st year MROD-ship: (see: Putting things in perspective) A few days after writing that blog entry, I went into what I can say was the lowest point in my first year residency - it was April 2, 2016, when I decided to suddenly stop answering calls, hid myself on a stairwell and cried my eyes out. That time when I called my parents, my boyfriend and a dear friend telling them over and over that I wanted to quit and that I was ready to quit. That was the day all the duty seniors tried to do an intervention and although I know that they mean everything good, I cannot afford to listen. I was hearing all their words of encouragement but the overwhelming fatigue and frustration on the system that was just too much that I just really want to stop. But of course, after crying my heart out everything made sense again and here I am on my second year of residency for internal medicine in the same institution.
My batchmates know that I am such a cry baby, my seniors then even mentioned my crying sprees as my only weakness as a first year resident. I've had my few share of tears to get to where I am now and as always my stand on tears is that it is never a sign of weakness.
A few days ago, I had another chance of using my ever reliable face mask trick to hide that post-crying face. And this time it was not about fatigue, it was just about frustration in something wrong with a system where probably most of those who came way way before us is failing to recognize. And in this system, we try to become the better person. We try to understand and in the end make sure that patient care is not compromised.
***
Today I had another realization, it's how much it sucks to be a 28 year old resident physician with a training allowance that barely gets me through the month and with almost nonexistent savings. Most of my batchmates still get allowance from their parents, I dont. And when you do realize that you are way behind most of those in your age group, not even the thought of 'hey you're a doctor,' makes it seem okay.
It's funny how anything wrong with the system uses the excuse of us being under training. You actually see a lot of articles about how much the culture of 'Ganyan kami dati, dapat kayo rin' should be stopped, how much private resident physicians are underpaid; how frustrating it is that everything that can go wrong is the resident's fault just so they can blame someone, how many doctors are being doctor-shamed in social media just because a relative did not fully understand what was happening (which would again be the fault of the physician). But they are just articles, stating facts, stating how things should be, at least for now.
It's just too much feeling, that right now are merely feelings because I am not really sure how to act on them. That at the end of the day, i just get to shove it aside after a tub of popcorn, some carbonated drink, a scoop of ice cream and the ever happy chocolate bar. Until the next ticking moment where I get to feel everything again. They say I should choose my battles wisely, maybe they are right, but where's the fun in that when I won't be able to have the chance to eat all the happy food in the world to make it go away? I kid. I kid. :p
***
So there. Right now I am halfway through my fourth month of my second year residency, still on the journey to become that internist; still with the dream of being able to help a lot more patients. Almost through with my second rotation for this year and I still have a loooong way to go. I'm glad that I did not quit last year. True, it gets easy in some way but also difficult in the other aspects. Again, nothing writing about it can't make me feel good for the moment. :)
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