AnneC.

"Hindi ba pwedeng tumanggi?" A question that my very worried mother eventually asked me today when I told them that I am about to go back to the hospital for the every other day ICU duties. I explained that I would be handling nonCOVID cases at the ICU, that we are well protected and we have consultants and a department who are with us supporting us every step of the way. But I'm pretty sure whatever I said didn't ease her worries. Especially with the increasing number of deaths in our country attributed to this virus, including doctors - every parent has all the right to be worried about their children. I'm sure other parents share the same sentiments as my mom. That probably if they could only have it their way, they would want to keep us in our homes, like how they protected us and cared for us when we were small and when we were still learning the ways of the world. I've been a doctor for about 5 years now and there was never a day that my parent...

The world is in chaos. In a matter of a week, our duty schedules and responsibilities were changed, doctors started to use telemedicine and implemented group practices while others were sent to home quarantine, and some, sadly, were affected by the virus. Other people were asked to stay at home, working from home was started by some; businesses were asked to close, public transportation was suspended. The world is in a state of disorder that everything that has happened made everyone feel out of control - and being out of control makes everyone afraid, helpless and vulnerable, which as we have all witnessed lead to sad life choices. There is too much emotions from everyone filling the world with too much unnecessary noise because everyone has something to say, and everyone wants to be heard. And I think that is where additional problems begin - people wanting to be heard but not everyone willing to understand. And as I try to put some order in my brain and heart overwhelmed wit...

I have been trying to write these feelings down but the brain heart balance was a little off; I cant even finish a thought that would make sense. Until today, after going out of the hospital with the sun up, being able to run and as I enjoy the best happy food ever created for humans - potato corner and milktea. Too much expectations from oneself and I again found myself spiralling down, losing grip. Some wont understand, but it's my own perceived shortcomings whether validated by external factors (even indirectly) or not - a load of them then triggered by a shortcircuit and the switch for the red flag goes on. Yes, yes, I know, it's the type A personality of demanding too much from oneself. It works perfectly most of the time but yes yes I know that being too hard on oneself is a toxic habit I have yet to get rid of my system. Add to that this world - this world which has the habit of asking more when you are able to deliver more. Hence the endless cycle of supply and dema...

In such a fast paced life despite a traffic filled world there are only a few moments of stillness we get to enjoy best Moments when we don't think of what we did what we should have done or what we need to do When we get to listen to our own breathing feel our own heart beating and just be grateful for our life unfolding minute by minute, every second of every day That flicker in time free from worries from responsibilities and demands of the world These moments we steal, a few seconds before we sleep as we move from one destination to another or as we let our minds wander (A little bit too many for the day) These rare moments of peace from the chaos outside from our hurdles within It is in these moments when we truly live

There are days when walls are down and my hypersensitive tear ducts fail me as I shed some tears while saying goodbye to a patient. Sending out prayers to the heavens as we said goodbye to a father of two kids who now will be growing up without a dad, whose last words to his wife where " Alis na ako. Love you. " as he made his way to the hospital for treatment; to a mother who perhaps wouldn't want for her daughter to see her go that her heart stopped beating when her daughter who was always there by her side was not with her; To a daughter whose father would have never imagined that he would be burying his own child. Death is a usual part of our every day as doctors and being that normal, it is easy to forget that they are someone's kids or someone's parents and not just some bed number or room number or a case. I believe that one should put one's heart in the practice of becoming a physician but days like yesterday, can be overwhelmingly exhaus...

It's been two months of Nephrology fellowship and it is more than what I expected it to be. Yes it was tiring - the every 3 day duty cycle was exhausting, going home late almost everyday just to sleep and wake up the next day still tired was a usual feeling during residency that I get to experience again (multiply the fatigue two to threefold - or probably because, I'm getting old too haha). But I am happy. I get kilig with all the new information (and books I still have to read - geek) and the learning everyday, understanding the management for each patient individually, continuously honing the clinical eye and basically training to be one of the good ones. The past two months have shown me that well, this is what I want to be doing the rest of my life. They say only a few people are blessed to be able to do what they love, and I think as early as now I can say that I am fortunate enough to be looking forward to a future of me doing what I love. I remember at the start last ...

It's probably the daydreaming caused by adulting kicking in, but there are moments when I get life realizations by asking myself a question. This particular daydreaming started with me asking why -- why do people do what they do and ultimately followed by what drives people to do the things they do? Everyone have their own sets of values and qualities that make up their personality. Each personality is also affected by their environment - how one was raised by one's parents or by his experiences growing up. Some may say that genetics has a role, while others use their faith and beliefs in making decisions about doing something or not. On the other end of the spectrum, there are also those who decide and who do things based on fear. Fear.  I am afraid of a lot of creepy things - creepy crawling or flying insects, I easily get startled with movement on the shadows even if it was my own, horror movies make my heart skip a beat.  These fears are superficial and I think...