Skip to main content

cause i've been here before

it's the same feeling of doing too many things at the same time and the feeling of being happy in doing what you do before and slowly transitioning to just being tired about it and deciding to not do it at all.

if i am to be asked what drives me to do the things that I do, it's the happiness i get from doing the things I love to do. I actually don't know which comes first, the love or the happiness, all i know is that I am happy and I love what I do and with that I can function well. Just the same, I don't know which comes first with hating what I do and with being sad about what I do. I don't know where the transition of enjoying one thing and being tired from doing things, end and start. It's like jumping from one end to the other. and it's my sad sad reality.

Sometimes I wonder if i am not a good team player. because I tend to do things on my own and I am happy when I am assured that everything is well because I, did them myself. I can be a good team player if i know that I can depend on the people I work with, which is almost always the case. But i still worry too much as well. ugly ugly feeling.

All the same, i can get too bossy that maybe being a team leader does not suit me. and I get easily burdened by undone chores and duties that were already delegated to members and being a not good team player and a dominating team leader, I end up doing things more even those that I can no longer do.

Like most people, I can easily get burned out. Like a story of someone who one day stopped doing what he does and never did them again. Well at least on things that I can quit on.

I actually fear the day that I would just stop doing the things I do because I became tired and unhappy. I already did that once. and although it did gave me a sense of freedom and I had no regrets, it's just not a nice thing to do especially if there are a lot of people who depend on you for the things you have to do.

but you know what's funny? this is not about academic medical school. at all. I can actually live a life worrying only about medical school. if only it's just the books and the patients.Well at least, that's something I'm sure of. cause i know for sure that toxicity from medical school can easily be cured with a simple mall visit, a simple ice cream or a song or two.

i've been here before. i never liked it and i dont like it now. and what more, i don't know what to do because what I did before was actually what's best for me but not what's really great for everybody. and im not at all in a good position right now to do what i've done before, but it's too tempting. too tempting to stop and just leave everything.

or maybe it's just the hormones talking.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

and things will start to change..

to start it all: my hair! haha. it's short now. like kindergarten short. haha. i like it. and i wanted to have my hair cut since summer, but because of grad pictorials, i need to postpone it. and grad pictorials are done - and i don't want to postpone it any longer. haha. so i had my hair cut yesterday afternoon after watching the Agnes of God play with my brother. (i have no decent pictures yet so you need to see me personally if you want to see it. i feel weird. i think it looks weird. haha.) and so everything follows. *** change is something inevitable. a natural phenomenon that would definitely happen in one way or another. we can't stop it (i think) but we can postpone it and i think i've postponed "that" inevitable change for too long now, and I have no other choice but to let it happen. i've already felt the urge to remove that something from my system at the start of the sem (as the change im talking about). well, i knew i need to deal wi...
15 comments
Read more

thesis encounters :P

because i plan to ban my laptop tomorrow for the whole day since i need to study for chem125 and socsci3. kelangan ko ng magsulat at magupdate ngayon ng blog. haha. i would just like to share some of our (my thesismates and my) encounters with our so adorable thesis adviser, sir sumera :P note: thesis is much more fun because of sir sumera. hahaha. :P ON NAMES last semester sir: ano nga pangalan niyo? anne: anne po sir. sir: tas ikaw mr. guerrero (pertaining to og) og: OG po. kate: kathleen po sir. and everytime na nagkikita kami last year, ganyan ang set up. January 2009 sir: ano nga pangalan mo? angel? anne: anne po sir. sir: ah anne, e sino si angel? anne: (sino nga kaya sir? hehe) last week sir: ano nga pangalan mo? anna o crystal? anne: anne po sir. sir: ah anne. dumating si kate sir: ikaw crystal? kate: sir kathleen. sir: ah kathleen ka din? kate: (sino pa po ung isa sir?) :P ON SULFURIC ACID when talking about the prosposal...
21 comments
Read more

a sad day.

i was a messenger last tuesday for my mom. she asked me to whisper a message to my tita. and just this afternoon, while i was in the lab for thesis, my mother texted me that tita lita is gone. it was quite expected, since this has been her third time in the past 3 months to be hospitalized. her third time that transfusion is needed. and of the three times, maybe this was the worst. *** she has given a lot to others. to her parents, her siblings and to us, her nephews and nieces. i was able to live with her for three years during high school and i have a lot of things to thank her for. I'm not that sure if she knows how grateful i am that i was able to stay with her during those times. looking back i would not have chosen any other place to stay for high school apart from hers. no matter how far paranaque may be in manila. i would never forget the mornings where she would wake up early too since i need to be at school early and she would stay late in pnu since our classe...
19 comments
Read more