i feel that something is terribly wrong but i can't pinpoint exactly what, and it's a very very annoying feeling that i've finally decided to re-open my quite dormant blog and speak my heart and/or mind out, whatever is in either or both of them.
it's been exactly a month since my not-announced blogging hiatus. I've been busy this past month, with the toxic subjects being taken these last few months of the school year, the piling requirements, the finals and compre scare, and the organization elections, i barely have time to think about what to write and to actually write even if i don't think.
until today when i felt awkwardly weird, having a bit of sadness, weakness, and the feeling of just wanting to lie down in bed and do nothing. although i tried to go out to see people i love to uplift my mood, but i went home with almost little success. i chose me time in going home and i listened to lovely songs, only to find myself stuck in traffic for about an hour.
the last time i was like this, i was under so much pressure and stress that i just snapped and decided to stop living in the real world and hide in the confines of my bedroom for about two weeks until i decided to curl my hair and make the choice. this time however is not like that, because i don't think im in any exaggerated pressure that should be slowly in the road of breaking -- i believe that the stress i have right now is just the right amount to keep me working and functioning as an actually stress loving individual. so you see, i really have to write these things down to hopefully help me decipher what got stuck in this complex brain that needs to be fixed before i do something stupid.
as i said, i've had quite a tough month, and honestly, i can't oddly remember the last time that i went out with friends, and had the detox that i in fact, this time, i deserve. Yes, cause now that i think about it, the previous year when i've had too much detox, was a year that i actually don't deserve to de-stress. the problem is, i don't think i have someone who i can de-stress with, (although don't mistake me for someone who do not have friends, i do. it's just that high school and college friends seem so far away, and medfriends, well we talk about medical school stuff most of the time.) although im not even sure if going out with friends is a very enticing option right now. ha, i think i've just lost my need for a social life. In fact recently, it has always been my family, him, his family and a few friends over lunch or merienda or ice cream - and no more real good fun.
so maybe that is one thing that is missing which makes my life so boring - it has always been me, my transes, classrooom work and my tv series that has kept me going, and you can only do so much of a pattern for quite a time before i tend to search for more life in life. so there, problem, identified.
the question is, is that the only one, or is/are there something else hidden causing this sad aura that i exude?
and now that i've been rambling and i am actually giving thought to what i am feeling. i say, this could also be due to the fact that i've never talked to my best friend this past week, although we seem to have nothing to talk about anymore. we barely even text because we are both tired, and i hate myself for actually being lazy with texting him and feeling lazy for seeing him, even though i would really really want to. this could also be due to the election results, winning for the vice chair for internals position for next year and finding out that next year would not be as benign as what I thought it would be -- that as early as now, i can feel a love-hate relationship ensuing with the organization that I want to serve. another factor could be my need for material things - like wanting that new pink phone so much, the heels that i haven't bought since the start of this new year, and new summer stuff - no time and no money to buy them actually. the thought of the summer immersion and my lack for plans for it also looms over my head. my lack of physical activity in the last two weeks, that i am gaining additional flabs (and summer's coming soon!) and even outbreak manila the 5k run that we had ourselves registered where we would be chased by zombies also scares me (and worries me because i don't seem to know how to go to nuvali by commuting); even the next episodes of the now many tv series that i am watching -- new girl, vampire diaries, big bang theory, gossip girl, walking dead (and the pile i havent seen yet - 7 seasons of house and how i met your mother, and bones!) gives me that agit feel; my recently finished training session for my summer part time job which i would love to write about separately one day; hunger games - don't ask. adding all these things up and now i am no longer wondering why i have these depression-like symptoms.
perhaps there is more, because i am honestly thinking of cutting my hair again (and i might) but i think the stuff i wrote basically states the fact - that there is so much going on in my brain, that it decided to not face any of them and lie down in my bed.
thus, i shall stop writing, although i again thought of another, and now another reason on why i could be feeling this. besides, the more i write about them, the more they seem so concrete (although that does not make these things legit to make me stressed, i know.) but still. okay. stopping.
like what i learned last year, it's always better to address multiple stressors by facing them one day at a time or one problem at a time depending on the sequence that they would actually come and present themselves in my life.
for now, im just happy that this writing therapy had lifted some burden in my heart - a little yey for that. though maybe a hair cut tomorrow would lift some things off my shoulder and my head, literally and hopefully figuratively. so yeah, some thing's still really wrong.
at least, tomorrow's a Sunday, maybe going to church would help me clear my mind a little more. happy days, i need you.
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