AnneC.

As years accumulate to my experience of being a doctor, i have also accumulated excuses to miss out on important life events:  “duty ako e” “from duty ako e” “preduty ako e” “daming kelangan gawin”  “sobrang pagod, sobrang toxic”  “sleep is life” And if I really want to go to something but still cant, i sugarcoat it. Thinking about it as a sacrifice for the people I love. Missing birthdays, anniversaries, life celebrations then making a mental note that “hey it’s okay, everything I’m doing is for the future.”- Everything I’m learning now will benefit the people I hold most dear. (And I think that’s how most of us live with the missing out). But with each year of experience seeing sickness and death, i slowly find my excuses getting lame (still usable sometimes). Then 2020 came and is about to go bringing with it millions of lives lost. And we, doctors have been given more excuses to distance ourselves, excuse ourselves from being a daughter, a sister or a friend because w...

Losing patients never get easy.  Being a doctor for 5 years, we are being continuously trained to hone our "clinical eye" - know when a patient does not look good, when a patient is "critically stable" or when we see hope for recovery. Every day, we get to see patients who sometimes almost touch the face of death just to be pulled out by a thread - only for a few moments to give time for their loved ones to say good bye.   --August 31, 2020 ** I was about to write about things that make me happy these days (wedding planning! akalain mo yun - happy because I feel like everything is falling into place and Robert is almost always saying yes to whatever I want, within reasonable limits of course :p)  Then I came across these unfinished words - I apparently haven't had the chance to finish (writing down) my feelings last August. I remember it to be quite a difficult time, patients who have been very dear to me kept dying left and right, some because of COVID-19, whic...

The virus is evolving. It has become more infectious and more difficult to contain, in fact even more difficult to identify. The hospitals are beginning to feel the demand for isolation units once again. The emergency room slowly becoming more congested, with a lot of backlog patients needing admission but no available rooms. Correction - there are available rooms, but we lack nurses who can attend to these patients. And yet everyday, we see the numbers rising. In the early part of this epidemic, as someone who works in the healthcare, I was afraid - all this is new to me and I see my mentors and the people I look up to struggling for the appropriate management to keep patients alive. That fear was somewhat pacified as we started to see more recoveries, as we close down some covid units and as we slowly transition to the new normal. As we see patients everyday, we  started to see the complications of the lock down - people whose health deteriorated because they were unable to s...

Saying hello to the rest of the world. Been writing a lot these past few days mostly scientific things hence craving for some form of expression in a creative possibly ranting way. You see, I ordered colorful pens online (asked the fiance (because PSJ is my boyfriend. haha. bawal kontra.)) to buy me flourescent and colored gel pens online (because I haven't allowed myself to buy anything online, yet). But they haven't arrived, and so I resort to my next best form of catharsis - writing. Going into three months in our new normal - haven't been home a lot (leaving my extrovert brother at home hoping he does not go insane living alone - buti na lang meron syang kadaily video call. hihi)  since there is still no easy way to go home and staying near the hospital is a lot more convenient; seeing the parents through video calls only (at least easing my anxiety that I might pass on this unseen virus to them); seeing my constant source of happiness only about once or twice sin...

Define change. "to make or become different" "to take or use another instead of" "the act or instance of making or becoming different" The past few weeks has been about this word. We have been encountering changes that people need to survive and changes that took the world by surprise. And after all these, the world we used to know will already be different.  The past month was all about losing relationships for some, forging relationship strength in others despite the physical distancing; gaining new friends while rekindling old connections. It was getting to know the people around you more - how they dealt with the stress, how they used their free time, were they selfish or did they give more? Did those who only think about one's self survived? Did you judge others or were you the ones judged? Did you get to appreciate the people you see and don't see more? Were you overwhelmed with negativity? Were you helped by positive toxicity or ...

Dear you As you open your eyes  waking up to another day.  Do your best to try  to see good in every way.  Step by step, we walk  day by day each week. You hear your mind talk,  this wont be an easy feat.  Smile amidst the worries  send whispers Above prayers for this world's peace healing, faith and love For with every beat,  we will try and survive.  A strong and selfless heart  that for others thrive.  (Yes, this is for you, for everyone who is doing their part as the world shifts to its new norm. And well, when inspiration strikes because of the future's uncertainty, we let the words flow.) 

"Hindi ba pwedeng tumanggi?" A question that my very worried mother eventually asked me today when I told them that I am about to go back to the hospital for the every other day ICU duties. I explained that I would be handling nonCOVID cases at the ICU, that we are well protected and we have consultants and a department who are with us supporting us every step of the way. But I'm pretty sure whatever I said didn't ease her worries. Especially with the increasing number of deaths in our country attributed to this virus, including doctors - every parent has all the right to be worried about their children. I'm sure other parents share the same sentiments as my mom. That probably if they could only have it their way, they would want to keep us in our homes, like how they protected us and cared for us when we were small and when we were still learning the ways of the world. I've been a doctor for about 5 years now and there was never a day that my parent...

The world is in chaos. In a matter of a week, our duty schedules and responsibilities were changed, doctors started to use telemedicine and implemented group practices while others were sent to home quarantine, and some, sadly, were affected by the virus. Other people were asked to stay at home, working from home was started by some; businesses were asked to close, public transportation was suspended. The world is in a state of disorder that everything that has happened made everyone feel out of control - and being out of control makes everyone afraid, helpless and vulnerable, which as we have all witnessed lead to sad life choices. There is too much emotions from everyone filling the world with too much unnecessary noise because everyone has something to say, and everyone wants to be heard. And I think that is where additional problems begin - people wanting to be heard but not everyone willing to understand. And as I try to put some order in my brain and heart overwhelmed wit...

I have been trying to write these feelings down but the brain heart balance was a little off; I cant even finish a thought that would make sense. Until today, after going out of the hospital with the sun up, being able to run and as I enjoy the best happy food ever created for humans - potato corner and milktea. Too much expectations from oneself and I again found myself spiralling down, losing grip. Some wont understand, but it's my own perceived shortcomings whether validated by external factors (even indirectly) or not - a load of them then triggered by a shortcircuit and the switch for the red flag goes on. Yes, yes, I know, it's the type A personality of demanding too much from oneself. It works perfectly most of the time but yes yes I know that being too hard on oneself is a toxic habit I have yet to get rid of my system. Add to that this world - this world which has the habit of asking more when you are able to deliver more. Hence the endless cycle of supply and dema...